I suffer from an ironic kind of dichotomy.
I love myself yet I know that I do not really love myself. Though I like who I became, I cannot say I am fully embracing who I really am.
I am very competitive, yet I hold myself back every time I want to be the center of attention.
I am very outspoken. Though I bite my tongue when I am not very comfortable with my environment.
I love presenting to people, yet I do not necessarily take the opportunity to shine more often, taking a backseat, wanting to be in the sidelines.
I believe I can be a good host, a good speaker, a good presenter, but I shy away when asked, only letting go fully when I am forced to present.
I love how I drive for results, but I tend to slow down for fear of wanting too much.
I feel guilty with wanting to be on top of the corporate ladder – for fear of not being a good mom.
I hold myself accountable for aiming so high. I hold back thinking it is so prideful.
I shy away from opportunities to shine for fear of being “out there” too much.
I deliberately try to be low key. But I really am not.
I do not know why but I feel like I am not fully free.
I love some people who are extremely comfortable in their own skin, and show so much of themselves, uncaring and unapologetic.
I feel like I filter more than I need to. For fear of judgment. For fear of being talked about.
I fear rejection, not being able to belong. I fear dreaming too big, too fast, even if I know in my heart I am capable, and I have the gift for it.
I know I can go a long way, but I set lower expectations for fear that wanting so much means that I am not content with where I am and where God put me.
I realize that anything less than my perceived potential and what I am capable of is injustice because God expects us to multiply His gifts, not keep it hidden. For He gave these gifts always for good.
For what is a gift if unused?
A potential if untapped?
A dream if unrealized?
A goal if unaccomplished?
And so I pray to God to give me the courage to shed off a little bit of “me” everyday, letting go and letting it be.
I shouldn’t be afraid. Because God made us and God never, ever, makes mistakes.